EDITORIAL: End-of-semester horoscopes

Aries: someone will catch your eye in the SU–your infatuation mirrored with the overwhelming scent of French fries glazed in grease at Steak n’ Shake. You’ll construct an image of who they are based on outer appearance, but ultimately be disappointed by reality: they’re an ass.

Taurus: As an iPhone user, your stubborn refusal to become fluent in Android emojis will lead to strife among your circle of friends. Your flirtatious string of iPhone drooling faces will be lost in translation.

Gemini: You will re-discover your old Nintendo DS Lite on a weekend trip back to your parents’ place. The critters populating your Animal Crossing town will prosper. Your grade point average will not.

Cancer: This is, like, the crab zodiac sign right? Well, if that’s the case, I see Red Lobster coupons in your near future. I know you’re the type to just grab complimentary cheddar biscuits and dip, but I’m giving you permission to ball out. Treat yourself to shrimp scampi or lobster bake.

Leo: You’re about to come to the soul-obliterating realization that your mcm thinks Mannheim Steamroller’s rendition of “Carol of the Bells” is “dope”.

Virgo: Put humility on the backburner and embrace your intelligent side. Wearing a Rick and Morty t-shirt to your job interview might be the key to securing that internship you’ve had your eye on.

Libra: As your symbol suggests, you’re a true warrior for social justice. You’ll share at least ten viral posts this month highlighting inequalities in the world, but algorithms will keep your conservative relatives from seeing it. Instead, they’ll comment on that video you shared of a disabled goat living its best life. How inspirational.

Scorpio: Finals are approaching. You’ll be stressed. Warning: Irritable Bowel Syndrome flare-up ahead. Life sucks. My advice? Stay away from coffee (you spent all your flex money on it anyway, so it shouldn’t be hard).

Sagittarius: Your friends have been avoiding riding in your car. Is it your driving? No. The reason? It’s the first week of November and you’re playing Christmas music. Stuff a mistletoe in it & simmer down, Rudolph.

Capricorn: Your crush will slide into your DMs with a Spotify playlist they’ve curated for you, entirely composed of Hoobastank deep cuts.

Aquarius: You have received the blessing of Victor E. Viking. Financial windfall, romantic fortune and the favor of Nordic deities will come your way. Beware of people who wear cargo shorts.

Pisces : You’ll escape from what you believe to be a lackluster life (eat, work, sleep, repeat) by watching Stranger Things despite the fact that the true upside down exists within you. Maybe stop ignoring responsibilities with ’80s nostalgia.