I wish zombies were real. If the walking undead rose from their moldy, putrid tombs, then all my other problems in life would seem insignificant. Think about it. If a horde of zombies encircle my home bent on devouring me from limb to limb, I would no longer have to worry about that damn research paper I have due or what my career options are. I would first have to defeat these reanimated corpses before I could even think about doing anything else.

Once more, if I wall myself up in a fortification with my friends, then I can see their true personalities. In any zombie movie there are five different types of characters, and I want to see which one my friends would fit into. One character is the resourceful guy who tries to come up with a common sense solution to the situation and protects the others.

This guy usually has an assistant who doesn’t come up with any ideas but tries to help out. Then there is a guy who tries to console everyone and tend to their emotional needs.

He tells everyone to calm down despite the fact there are cadavers all around trying to eat everyone. Then there is a guy who will sell everyone out to save himself. If a group of zombies are closing in on you, he would shove you out in front and try to run away.

Finally, there is the guy who would freak out and end up getting eaten by unknowingly running into a group of the flesh-eating demons. That is the one I think I would be.

Sigh, I hope the dead rise up soon before I have to deal with another of life’s problems.

One of our staff members bought a Voodoo doll while he was in New Orleans.

Maybe that could do the trick.